Recently, I hung out with some very good friends of mine at Big Bangs, a local bar in Center City-Philadelphia! I have a fondness for this particular joint because it use to be my old stompin’ ground, The Top Shelf, during my days of sharecroppin’! Myself and friends from work use to hang at the Shelf so much, we called ourselves “The Shelvettes” and gave parties, trips, etc. under that alias! That was years ago and it’s been remolded and renamed since.

So here I am sitting in Big Bangs and absorbing the atmosphere all by myself, waiting on Movita, Keith & Greg! Little did I know we would be joined by Movita’s friend and our other friend Carlos! So now the party begins and I’m in the mind frame to get fucked up! Fucked up for me is no red wine! A martini or two! The jukebox is playin’! Yes, until the 3-piece band showed up! We drinkin’, talkin’ shit! Keith (Freaky) knows the Barmaid, so now we’re doin’ shots with the staff! I failed to mention I’m drinkin’ Watermelon Martini’s!

The band shows up and the singer looks like Philip Bailey from the sweater up and Billy Ocean from the waste down! Why he start swoonin’ then recognizes me and announces “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a famous comedienne in the house, Ms. B-Phlat!” People started clappin’ then he asked me to come to the stage and of course I did and I ate his ass up! I don’t remember talking about “Philip Ocean” but I do remember two Bitches in the worst outfits I’ve ever seen on twins! First of all they were black as hell and had Earth Kitt-lookin’ wigs on; black tights, red mini bubble skirts, gold shiny disco tops with big-ass, brown Wonder Woman belts around the waste! It was too much and the shit caught me off guard because they were coming up the steps in front of me with a Birthday cake! All I saw was the flyin’ monkey’s from the movie “The Wiz” and huge eyelashes! Naturally, I said “Oh! Who’s birthday?” and they replied “Ours! We turn 21 today!” I was like “Oh! Rough paper route!” And that’s all I remember before getting off stage, having a dance with Carlos, who was boppin’, 2-steppin’ with me, and spinnin’ me all around!

As soon as I stepped outside with Movita, to leave, I threw up! And I know people had to step in it leaving the Bang! So Movita is holding me up and my eyes are closed! She’s guiding me to the subway so we can get to her car at Fern Rock! I threw up again on some steps near Philadelphia City Hall, and again on the subway tracks! I thank God for Movita getting me home safely and letting me in my house! ‘Cause as soon as I got in, I start throwing my clothes off everywhere and threw up again, in the bathtub! I put a bucket by my bed and went to sleep! I was so fucked up, I was on my period and forgot to put a pad on! A drunk a shit but a cheap date! I haven’t been drunk in years and I sure can’t remember the last time I threw up! That’s mainly why I stick to wine and smokin! Keep the liquor!