B-Phlat

Consider Me a Cheap Date!!!

admin — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:58:51 +0000

Recently, I hung out with some very good friends of mine at Big Bangs, a local bar in Center City-Philadelphia! I have a fondness for this particular joint because it use to be my old stompin’ ground, The Top Shelf, during my days of sharecroppin’! Myself and friends from work use to hang at the Shelf so much, we called ourselves “The Shelvettes” and gave parties, trips, etc. under that alias! That was years ago and it’s been remolded and renamed since.

So here I am sitting in Big Bangs and absorbing the atmosphere all by myself, waiting on Movita, Keith & Greg! Little did I know we would be joined by Movita’s friend and our other friend Carlos! So now the party begins and I’m in the mind frame to get fucked up! Fucked up for me is no red wine! A martini or two! The jukebox is playin’! Yes, until the 3-piece band showed up! We drinkin’, talkin’ shit! Keith (Freaky) knows the Barmaid, so now we’re doin’ shots with the staff! I failed to mention I’m drinkin’ Watermelon Martini’s!

The band shows up and the singer looks like Philip Bailey from the sweater up and Billy Ocean from the waste down! Why he start swoonin’ then recognizes me and announces “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a famous comedienne in the house, Ms. B-Phlat!” People started clappin’ then he asked me to come to the stage and of course I did and I ate his ass up! I don’t remember talking about “Philip Ocean” but I do remember two Bitches in the worst outfits I’ve ever seen on twins! First of all they were black as hell and had Earth Kitt-lookin’ wigs on; black tights, red mini bubble skirts, gold shiny disco tops with big-ass, brown Wonder Woman belts around the waste! It was too much and the shit caught me off guard because they were coming up the steps in front of me with a Birthday cake! All I saw was the flyin’ monkey’s from the movie “The Wiz” and huge eyelashes! Naturally, I said “Oh! Who’s birthday?” and they replied “Ours! We turn 21 today!” I was like “Oh! Rough paper route!” And that’s all I remember before getting off stage, having a dance with Carlos, who was boppin’, 2-steppin’ with me, and spinnin’ me all around!

As soon as I stepped outside with Movita, to leave, I threw up! And I know people had to step in it leaving the Bang! So Movita is holding me up and my eyes are closed! She’s guiding me to the subway so we can get to her car at Fern Rock! I threw up again on some steps near Philadelphia City Hall, and again on the subway tracks! I thank God for Movita getting me home safely and letting me in my house! ‘Cause as soon as I got in, I start throwing my clothes off everywhere and threw up again, in the bathtub! I put a bucket by my bed and went to sleep! I was so fucked up, I was on my period and forgot to put a pad on! A drunk a shit but a cheap date! I haven’t been drunk in years and I sure can’t remember the last time I threw up! That’s mainly why I stick to wine and smokin! Keep the liquor!

It’s the President of Bermuda!!

admin — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:03:39 +0000

You had to be there to witness a classic moment! A group of friends and family recently went to Bermuda for Cup Match which was off the CHAIN! We made the most of our 5 days by renting a yacht and straight kickin’ it! On the first day of Cup Match we were sailing to the game and we came up on a whole group of Brotha’s in the water waving which is customary on the open waters! Some of us were on the front of the yacht and saw the men and started showin’ out! My cousin Alfie yelled down to the deck “It’s the President!” I was like Bitches get up and start waving or something! So we’re on the deck posing, waving, blowing kisses and flirting! I was like Bitch look at all those boats around them! It had to be about 25 Brothas in the water swimmin! So then Alfie yelled down to us again. “Not the President, Prisoners!” It didn’t register because where in the world do they let prisoners swim in the ocean! So I had to ask her to clarify! I”m sorry I didn’t hear you correctly! Alfie’s ass misunderstood Candy’s (Boat Co-Captain) Bermudian dialect and said President when he said prisoners. We all instantly fell out and was mad at the same time! Here we are on the helm flirting with prisoners! Hell I thought it was the President of Bermuda and his body guards! It was prisoners and guarded by police in the surrounding boats! So I had to ask how do they prevent the prisoners from getting away? and before Candy could answer Denise shouted “They shoot them with a water gun!” So that was the running joke the whole trip! Hell on a few occasions in Bermuda we thought we were gonna have to bum rush some Bitches ( hatin’ on our flyness) and go to jail! At least we could get a free swim and tan! Did I mention that the prisons are Co-ed? If you do a crime in Bermuda you got it made in the shade! Three hots, a cot and hittin’ the spot!

Change is inevitable!

admin — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:39:50 +0000

I won’t say I’ve been duped into Twittering and Facebooking! But I will say strongly persuaded! I don’t have a problem with technology at all! I have a problem with everything being instant and people wanting reactions NOW! If you know me you know I do shit when I feel like it and everything is not that damn important to me like Twitter! I twitter when I feel like it! I’m not doing funny shit all the time! I have a regular normal ass life like most people and do people really care if you’re going to the grocery store or sitting on the toilet? I say get a life! And facebook is to post flyers and events only! All the people on Facebook already know me and most likely have my phone number address and email. Some shit is pointless to me and low priority! My job starts when I hit the stage! I’m concerned about being FUNNY all the time so that’s my main focus! If I’m not funny, what’s the point of promoting on any website because word of mouth travels faster than anything. So when it’s all said and done I’m still doing shit when I feel like it and if you want it instantly, call me! You can still get me on the phone periodically!

Give me a break!

Don’t I Look Good With A White Man

admin — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 18:22:14 +0000

I’ma git me a White man! Fuck what you heard! I’m in Montreal with all the French Canadians and a Bitch tryin’ to learn French! You’ve heard my cell message! My accent is all fucked up and I’m sure I’m sayin’ some shit wrong! Fuck it! I’m hopin’ to work it out in Montreal! I sat with comedian Godfrey for breakfast yesterday and he was sayin’ some shit about somebody who was married to a White man and I was like “So! I’ma git me a White man!” He wasn’t very open to the idea and wasn’t sure if I was kiddin’ or not!

Almost every woman I know of color or ethnicity has a White man! And who cares! It’s sad that we still live in a world where people are caught up in bullshit that doesn’t matter because you can’t help who you love or for that matter, are attracted to! I’m open to dating most men! I won’t say all men! I’m open to tall, thick and sexy and that can come in any color of a man! I know what I’m attracted to and it’s not limited to Black men only!

I’m in Montreal and I’ve been seein’ some sexy ass Canadian men and drooling! It’s funny because the other day myself, Sheri (my Manager), Thea and Gina ate breakfast at Great Eggspectations outdoors. Thea and I sat next to the sidewalk so we could look at all the men and that’s all we did! It was great fun in the sun! Until Thea stopped a White Frenchmen and was on some ole “Uh my girlfirend here is performin’ tonight at Club Soda and she’s just tryin’ to meet a nice Frenchmen to converse in the language!” I was like Whammmp Whaa Whooomp! That blew my high! I ain’t tryin to meet a mufucka like that! I’m not desparate, just open. And I think more Sistas should be also! Brotha’s date White girls all the time but as soon as a Sista steps out, the White man must be rich and have a little dick! So! Hater! At least you’re paid for the aggrevation! There is a such thing as little dick Nigga’s with no money!

Jamaica!

admin — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:42:55 +0000

The Michael Baisden Island Takeover in Jamaica was the bomb! I enjoyed watching people enjoy themselves! Letting loose and simply enjoying life! Or at least trying to get their money’s worth! When I say let loose, I mean in the literal sense! Sistas with bikini’s on who knew they shouldn’t have the shit on, did anyway! Including myself! Fuck it! Everybody can’t be skinny and ain’t trying to be! I was in the pool and ocean, laying out, soaking up the sun with my gut hanging right out and didn’t think twice about it! In all actuality it was wonderful to see Sistas celebrating their bodies and wearing what they want! Hell it wasn’t enough men there anyway to be trying to look extra anyway! Hell I coulda wore a potato sack for all the women there to see Michael Baisden and George Wilborn! It had to be 1000 heffa’s and 25 single men! Most of the men were with their wives and I was told the same single Brothas always attend his events! So that could be clearly why Sistas aint give a fuck about letting it all hang out, ’cause really there were no men there to make you wanna suck it in! It’s funny how when we venture where people don’t know us we’re more apt to be ourselves! ‘Cause you know if we were in the states at a pool half them ho’s woulda had on a cover up or sarong wrap! But not me! I’m celebrating the “return of Poocharella!” So men now you know where the single women celebrating their pooch are and will be! If you’re into soft, fo-head headrests, see ya there next year!